Promise of freedom.

You see before you a monster, a fatal weapon,
I see before me
the promise of freedom.
You feel fear, you feel anguish.
I feel happiness, I feel ecstacy.
When I look at the vast sea ahead,
I look at an escape, a refuge,
A place where I can drown my sorrows, drown my sins.
Don’t you see?
Death is welcoming me.
It’s calling me into its loving arms
It wants to shelter me in its darkness
It wants to take me away from this cruel, cruel world.
Don’t look at me like that.
No. I have not gone mad.
I am laughing because I am happy, because I am walking towards my independence.
I am laughing because you look so foolish, trying to stop me.
Stupid Man, you should be coming with me.
Don’t you see?
I see.
I see the light, and it shows me the bliss that lies beyond.
No I will not stop.
These tears are tears of joy.
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
I have found it.
A place away from this world, from these words, from everything.
The pain is just temporary, like the pain a mother bears
Before she welcomes her child to this world.
Don’t you see?
The moment you bury me in the ground,
Is the moment my life will begin.
Don’t you see?
No. No, I have not gone mad.
I have just been touched by
The promise of freedom.

I have a photographer’s eye 

I fail to see reality. 

Moments are meant for capturing, not living 

Beauty isnt made for me, it’s not made for me to appreciate 

It’s made for me to capture

A 100 beautiful people a day, all trapped inside my lens 

I have but a photographer’s eye

I always wait for perfect timing 

I always wait, I always wait 

I wait and wait for the perfect shot 

But this time it’s different,

Because this time I miss it, the perfect moment,

It slips right between my fingers 

And I watch it disappear,

mesmerized, transfixed 

It’s happened now, what’s never happened before

You’ve made me betray

my photographer’s eye. 

Either I expect too much from my friends, or my friends aren’t actually my friends. 

It’s like…. I listen to everyone. I listen to every single person. I let them talk. And I try to remember the things they tell me. Sometimes I forget, but when someone tells me something more than once, I remember. Especially if that person is close to me. And, it may be my vanity, but I expect the same from my friends, especially those who are close to me. I expect them to remember things which are important to me and I expect them to give a shit about me because I give a shit about them. I expect them to inquire about things I tell them, like, I told my closest friend about the biggest and most important exam of my life. I told her the day and the time and everything. And she didn’t even ask me about it. I waited for her to ask but it’s almost like she didn’t remember or care. And then, not for the first time, I ask myself: am I in a toxic friendship?

Or am I expecting too much from people? I’ve met SO many new people this year and almost all of them are like this. They just want to get their points across. No one gives a shit about you or what you have to say. They don’t care about anyone but themselves. They’ll only talk to you about themselves, about what they’ve achieved and how cool they are and what problems they have in life. As soon as you start talking about yourself, they’ll act uninterested or may even stop listening to you, or talk over you or some shit. I wonder when, and if, I’ll ever find a person who actually wants to listen to me for a change. Actually, I don’t have a problem with listening. I have a problem with people making everything about themselves (which is ironic cus that’s all this damn post is about ). The guys I’ve met don’t usually do this. They let you talk. Sometimes. Idk. Actually they do talk, but they make it a…Ugh whatever. 

I’m sick of everyone and everything. And I don’t wanna give these shitty exams. And I probably won’t get into my dream uni. Fuck. 

Sun 

I am the Sun,

Brighter than everything around me. 

I am the Sun,

Flaming, raging ball of anger. 

I am the Sun,
Beautiful, majestic, your worst nightmare. 

I am the Sun,
My strength lies in solitude. 

I am the Sun,
I don’t need anybody else. 

You were my moon,

Nothing without me

You were my moon,
Prettier than I will ever be 

You were my moon,
A new face everyday

You were my moon,
Always humble, matchless in grace. 

You were my moon,
Or so I thought

Till one day you shone bright, but without me

And that day I realized 

I am but a star, just like all the rest around me. 

Death

What is this feeling

That has me begging for death?

Pleading for something everyone else dreads?

I cannot call it pain 

Because it’s not something that’s hurting me

All it does is make me cry for no reason at all

Days go by, I’m a machine following routine

And this feeling looms over my head 

Now I have just learnt to keep it to myself. 

I cannot call it sadness, the word is far too weak

-it’s more like a murderer, all my hopes and dreams are dead. 

All doors I see from afar 

Are closed shut as I get near

And in that moment there is one I see, a Reaper stands there

I yearn for it, it’s open for me, waiting for me to pass

Death is a sweet, sweet thing

Ah, in the end I’m just an idle mind

Brewing poisonous thoughts.

 

Sun. 

The Sun rises yet again but there are few who take time out to appreciate it. But that doesn’t stop her. She rises and climbs to her full glory and by noon, she is ruling the sky, her light brighter than ever. But then she realizes. No one cares about her. They’re only using her, taking her for granted. And so she descends. She is over half way through when a mysterious gloom, an indescribable disappointment blankets the world. Another day comes to an end, and takes all hope with it. She smiles as she slowly disappears into nothingness and darkness takes over. People leave their work unfinished and return, tired and with worn out determination, to their homes. The Sun watches from her hideout. You never know what you have till you lose it. 

Thoughts

Someone please help me

Get them out of my mind

These thoughts,they’re like fighter jets

Crashing into my skull

This sick, sick migraine

Is nothing but their doing

These tears of blood running down my cheeks

Are evidence of the battles I have lost against my thoughts

I’m trying to pull them out of my head

But all that I can get is hair

Oh no my head’s bleeding too oh god now what do I do

A slideshow of my sins, flashing right before my eyes

I want to live 

I want to live

Someone please help me

Get me out of my mind 

Get me out of my mind

Nights fly by

Oh what a wreck I have made out of me

Days trek on

Sometimes blurry

Sometimes vivid

Always a catastrophe

My mind and heart are busy

In their own civil war

My thoughts and my words

Sometimes in sync

Sometimes my words

Are the opposite of what I think

Always destructive

always

Always destructive

I think they may be the reason why

I feel a little dead on the inside

Money

How is it that they say

Money can not cast your sadness away?

perhaps those who this way think

have never quite felt the joy it brings

make a request, my lord, no matter what the price

at your feet, my lord, the moon and the skies

all I require

is a little bit of your gold

money, you see, is how people are bought and sold

yes, it is true, love is one thing I lack

but its a fair price to pay for the bank notes stacked

and the foods of all kinds, broiled and baked

and the servants and maids running around in my wake

all my own, not a penny I want to share

I will cleverly tell them i have none to spare

but what frightens me is how I will protect it after i die-

keep it safe, far away from prying eyes

I will burn it, throw it away, bury it deep

yes- my money will lie with me where I sleep.

 

 

Again

A severe stab in the chest-

It has begun.

Crying without tears,

A faint buzzing in the ears.

Eyes cannot keep themselves open.

Head pounding pounding pounding

Hands shaking shaking shaking

Room spinning spinning spinning

It has come, yet again.

I want to scream, shout

Till my voice is no more

I want to break something, everything.

Who knows when it will end,

Or if it will ever end.

Maybe it will end,

Only to come again.

And again and again and again and again,

To see new scars on my wrists.

The old ones hurt no more,

and only pain can drive away pain.

How should you react to body shaming?

Recently I got into an argument with a person I know: she made this really long post on Facebook about how people should stop body shaming and how she is body shamed for being short and about how a person came up to her and told her she’s too short to have kids. I told her it shouldn’t even matter if someone body shames you or whatever, you should be the bigger person and ignore them. I told her it’s you against the world and you cant change the world so you should change the way you react to what the world does. This really disturbed her so she went on a long rant telling me I shouldn’t say stuff like that I’m too young(I’m only 2 years younger than her) to understand then she defended herself by saying that she ignored all the bad comments that came her way but if a person gets raped is this what u would tell her blah blah blah. I wish I could post a screenshot here so we could laugh at her together but I can’t. Then she messaged my sister, who she’s good friends with, and told her to make me understand how wrong I am. Hell she even said I’m saying all this because I myself was a bully who body shames people. To be very honest, I am not. I myself get body shamed all the damn time because I’m slightly fat, but I laugh at it because I have other important things to deal with.

So anyway, my sister said no, so she went ahead tried to emotionally blackmail her by saying what would you do if a person told you you were too short to have kids would you ignore them so they can say the same to 15 more people. Actually this was kind of ironic because she herself said she ignored all the bad comments she got and it’s funny she should still get hyped up about what a gutless person once said to her. Also, it doesn’t even matter if you tell them to stop or not, they’re gonna go on anyway. You can’t tell a depressed person to stop being depressed or a bulimic person to just stop eating and similarly you cant just tell a bully to stop being a bully. They aren’t innocent little people who don’t understand how they’re hurting the other person or what effect their actions or words are having. They know this all too well.

I’m gonna confess: I have judged this girl and have concluded that she is very insecure and expected me to console her by telling her she’s beautiful and all that. She also thinks everything she says is right and anyone who opposes her is going against her prophetic mission to eradicate body shaming and, another very closely related problem, rape (note sarcasm).  She was literally getting a panic attack when she was messaging my sister. She was going all ‘you must make her understand. You must’ even though her comments on the post said she was all chill and everything. I could write an essay on what I think of her and what she is but it’s not worth (any more of) my time.

I dont know if my opinion was right or wrong, but this is what I have learnt after years of being body shamed; ignoring people has become the only way I can be at peace. Tell me what you think of this in the comments. I’ll really appreciate it.